Saturday, June 18, 2005

Bad News

Our fears have been realized. This morning, my wife started bleeding, similar to a period. This is what happened last time we had a miscarriage, so naturally we were worried. We called the doctor and she said these things can happen and don't worry about it. When a 10 cm long blood clot came out, we called the doctor again. She said not to worry, it can happen. This was a Saturday, so the office was closed. She said we could go to the emergency room for an ultrasound or wait until Monday. Since there was nothing they could do either way, we decided to wait until Monday. Then, when we were down the street at a community potluck, my wife had to go back to the house to go to the bathroom. She came back and told me she was pretty sure she had passed the baby. When I saw what had come out of her, I had to agree. It was a sac, about the size of a thumb and I thought maybe I saw the dark spots of the developing eyes inside the sac.

We told our eight year old right away. He took it relatively well. He was sad and kept saying that he couldn't believe he had lost a second brother or sister. We told him that we would bring the baby to the doctor and they would try to find out what happened. He said maybe they could make him alive again, but we firmly told him that the baby was dead. We told him no one knows why these things happen and that it's nobody's fault, no one did anything wrong. It just happens.

None of us cried, but we all came close. Our friends and relatives, whom we told over the phone, cried. My wife's favorite theory is that her body rejects the babies as foreign matter. I think she likes that theory because that would mean there are medicines that can fix it. My favorite theory is that there is something about my chromosomes combined with hers that is producing offspring that nature or God naturally allows to die because that is what is best. I think our primary reaction is confusion: Why is this happening? What is God's Plan? Why does he allow us to get pregnant at all if he's going to take it away?


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